What is Anxious Attachment: Symptoms and How to Cope

Picture this; an accomplished young woman walks into a therapist’s office lamenting her inability to sustain meaningful interpersonal relationships. This weighs her down, and she cannot enjoy the depth of real connection. Whenever she gets too involved, the fear of being abandoned, rejected, and unworthy of love leads her to self-sabotage the relationships.

Sounds like a familiar situation? This example illustrates how any person, regardless of personal achievements or professional success, could have an anxious attachment style.

In fact, the roots of attachment patterns go deeper than what meets the eye. The term attachment itself has different connotations for different people. Some are comfortable with personal space and don’t question their loved one’s intentions, while others need constant reassurance and derive their sense of worth from the affection or attention of others.

Attachment refers to the bonds of emotional connection that an individual builds with other people in adulthood, which has deep roots in the attachment style offered by parents or primary caregivers to the individual in childhood. There are predominantly four attachment styles, namely:

• Secure attachment
• Anxious ambivalent
• Avoidant
• Fearful avoidant, or disorganized attachment

In the following text, we will cover the fundamentals of the four different attachment styles, the signs of insecure attachment, situations, triggers, and how to deal with it to realize healthier and more secure interpersonal relationships.

An Introduction

The seminal work of J. Bowlby (1907–1991) and M. S. Ainsworth resulted in the publication of “The Origins of Attachment Theory” in Developmental Psychology, 28(5), 759–775. According to this, there are four main attachment styles:

• Secure attachment style: Those with a secure attachment style exhibit empathy, are comfortable with space and intimacy, and exhibit set boundaries. They are thus secure and stable in romantic and platonic interpersonal relationships.
  Someone with a secure attachment style may have had parents who were attentive to the child’s needs and managed their stress in a healthy manner. Such individuals grow up to be adults with a solid sense of self-worth. They communicate effectively and express their emotions freely. Additionally, they have no trouble asking for help and support and reciprocate suitably. They also enjoy the company of others but do not get affected by the lack of it.
  Those with secure attachment styles do not tie their self-worth to that of their loved ones and practice self-care with healthy boundaries. They know that they are worthy and capable of deep love.
• Anxious attachment (anxious-ambivalent attachment): Those with an anxious attachment style crave deep emotional intimacy in romantic relationships and friendships and seek consistent reassurance from their partners or loved ones. To them, dating or maintaining interpersonal relationships may feel like an emotional rollercoaster as they are highly attuned and sensitive to the moods and wants of their loved ones, to the extent that they might forego their own needs and happiness.
  The parents of such children may have been inattentive to the child’s needs and showed inconsistent behavior when they could not manage their stress. These childhood experiences shaped them into an adult who fundamentally felt that no one would connect with them as deeply and ultimately abandon them. This mainly has roots in mother-infant bonding. Thus, they come across as clingy and needy in relationships with a characteristic lack of self-esteem. They fear infidelity and abandonment and experience difficulty in setting and respecting boundaries.
• Avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment: The exact opposite of being overly emotionally invested in one’s loved one or being. “clingy” lies at the opposite end of the spectrum, where one avoids emotional intimacy and veers towards freedom. Such individuals find maneuvering their emotions difficult and therefore prefer their own company over those of others.
  Parents of such individuals may have been inattentive to the child’s emotional needs, and thus they learned to self-soothe themselves instead of seeking solace in others. They were either unaware of what “closeness” felt like or chose to stay away from all the emotional outbursts, preferring to heal in solitude.
• Disorganized (Anxious avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style): Imagine a mix of anxious and avoidant personalities thrown into one melting point; the resultant potent conflation is the disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style wherein the individual oscillates between the need for intimacy and craving for one’s own sanctum sanctorum. Though less common, it can pose a significant obstacle in sustaining fulfilling and satisfying interpersonal relationships. But even though it is painful for the individual, it can be addressed. The underlying core behind such an individual lies in the thought that they fear opening up and trusting another person and the lingering doubt that if they do open up, their partner will leave. The inner work an individual needs to do here is effectively communicating their thoughts and feelings despite the risk of intimacy and abandonment.

The last three attachment styles fall under the category of insecure attachment scenarios and require a lot of inner work to achieve a semblance of fruitful intimate relationships. But the good news is that these attachment styles can be improved. If your therapist feels you fall under any of the last three categories, there is always hope to make it to the other side, where relationships contribute to our life satisfaction and empower our growth.

What are the Signs?

Before one gets to treatment, the right diagnosis is essential. A qualified therapist or mental health professional can help you work your way through anxious attachment styles to a more secure and grounded attachment style. The signs and symptoms of anxious attachment may vary across children and adults. Let’s delve into some.

• Signs of Anxious Attachment in Children
  • Showing marked anxiety and crying that caregivers cannot seem to alleviate easily.
  • Showing fear and discomfort in the presence of strangers.
  • Marked distress when separated from caregivers.
  • Not as exploratory as other children of the same age group.
  • Facing problems in controlling negative emotions.
  • Inability to forge friendships with peers and other children.

• Signs of Anxious Attachment in Adults
  • The emotional unavailability of your partner, friends, or family triggers you.
  • You fear being underappreciated.
  • You feel your loved ones cannot be counted on.
  • Fear of abandonment and rejection.
  • Tendency to self-sabotage.
  • Crave a sense of closeness and intimacy with others.
  • Holding a negative sense of self and a positive view toward partners and loved ones.
  • Have trouble communicating how they feel and tend to “ghost.”
  • Tend to behave in a way that makes their loved ones feel smothered and ultimately pull away.

Now that we are familiar with some signs and symptoms of anxious attachment in young children and adults let’s examine some of its examples.

Examples

There can be several manifested examples of anxious attachment styles. Let’s check out some of them:

• Repeatedly checking social media for information on the activities of their loved ones.
• Calling or texting until the other person responds.
• A tendency to say “yes” to every plan your friends make, irrespective of whether you genuinely want to be a part of it.
• Overworking to please your bosses or coworkers.
• Having trouble saying “no” even if you want to.
• Avoiding breakups even if the relationship or friendship is turning toxic.
• Consistently checking in with their partner if they still find them attractive.
• Consistently checking in with their friends to see if they still find them likable.
• Doubting the actual situation when everything appears calm.

What Causes It?

Attachment styles result from a combination of genetic and environmental factors, and each individual has a unique background and set of experiences. In childhood and early infancy, negative experiences, abuse, and abandonment by attachment figures can result in the development of attachment issues.

In adult life, these repressed negative emotions can result in anxious or avoidant-anxious attachment styles. Anxiety has been known to have genetic components. Studies have shown that infants as young as four months old have shown increased heart rates and fear of strangers when separated from caregivers.

Dr. Sarah Bren, a clinical psychologist in New York, says, “When a caregiver themselves has an anxious attachment style, if they are unpredictable in how well they meet the child’s needs, or if the environment is chaotic or unpredictable, an anxious attachment can develop.”

Not surprisingly, when a young child turns towards their primary caregivers for emotional support and does not receive the same, or there are erratic patterns wherein sometimes the caregiver showers them with attention and at other times pushes them away, the child starts to feel that it’s his responsibility to “please the caregiver” in return for love and attention.

When a child feels anxious and their parents or caregivers cannot soothe their worries, the distress and anxiety remain elevated. This pattern of abuse and neglect often spills over to fear of rejection and abandonment in romantic relationships and friendships later in life.

To sum up, the following causative factors could play a role in developing anxious attachment styles:

• Traumatic events.
• The person’s temperament.
• Unpredictability, chaos, and inconsistency in your early childhood.
• The inability of your primary caregiver to cater to your emotional needs.
• Your unique history often reflects in the emotional bonds you forge with others in the years to come.

Also Read

Identifying Triggers

To work your way through insecure attachment styles to more secure and satisfying bonds, it is crucial to understand the triggers:

• Feeling under-appreciated or taken for granted when your partner, friend, or manager doesn’t respond in a way you would like.
• Feeling invisible or extremely lonely in a relationship when your loved one pushes you away or refuses to acknowledge your feelings.
• When the other person doesn’t respond via call or text for a substantial amount of time, you fear infidelity or abandonment.

Once you know your triggers, a therapist can help you identify better strategies to work through emotions and develop a more secure form of attachment.

How It Can Affect Your Relationships

Living with anxious attachment styles or being involved with or associated with someone with an insecure attachment style can ruin the joy of nurturing that relationship. A 2019 meta-analysis of the correlation between adult insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction revealed some interesting facts. “The results confirmed that there is a negative relationship between attachment insecurity and relationship satisfaction and that the actor effect is stronger compared to the partner level.”

Certified clinical psychologist, Dr. Lori Lawrenz, says, “Those with an anxious attachment style can sabotage their relationships with questions and concerns about small details instead of being present in the moment and enjoying their relationship.”

When you spend a lot of time and energy dissecting your partner’s behavior minutely, you end up pushing them further away, thereby realizing the same thing that you fear – abandonment.

You may be labeled needy, clingy, argumentative, and develop self-sabotaging tendencies. However, there is always hope to cross over to the other side with mindful work toward developing more secure attachment styles.

How to Deal With Anxious Attachment

Interestingly, therapy has proven helpful for those battling insecure attachment styles in their transition toward secure interpersonal bonding. Let’s check out some of the treatments your therapist may suggest depending on your unique needs and history:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT aims at helping people restructure their negative thoughts into new, more productive, and secure ways of thinking. This leads to lesser anxiety in a relationship and greater overall satisfaction.
• Interpersonal therapy (IPT): The therapist works with the individual to unravel and identify problem areas, social interaction patterns, and communication issues, then works towards bridging these deficits and developing new interpersonal skills. Additionally, a study has shown the positive effect of interpersonal therapy, or IPT, in realizing reduced levels of attachment anxiety and a significant decrease in symptoms of depression.
• Medications: If an individual has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, a certified psychiatrist may prescribe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) compositions.

If you feel that your loved one is anxiously attached and that is affecting the level of relationship satisfaction for both, then you could try the following steps:

• Try not to be dismissive of their feelings and give them the reassurance they need.
• Stay consistent, and try sticking to your promises and commitments.
• Show that you care with not just your words but also with your actions.
• If you are in a romantic relationship with a person with an anxious attachment style, consider and offer attending couples therapy together.
• Most importantly, encourage your loved one to seek help and heal.

Get Started With DocVita Today

Life can be tough to maneuver on our own, and sometimes, all of us could do with some help to make it past the curveballs. If you or your loved one needs that extra assistance to lead a better and more holistic life with enhanced relationship satisfaction, trained mental health professionals at DocVita are happy to help!

Empathetic care that helps individuals heal at their own pace is at the center of all our efforts. Book an appointment today!