Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or those with a low interest in sexual activity. People who identify as asexual may still experience romantic attraction, emotional intimacy, and love, but not sexual desire or arousal towards others. It is important to remember that asexuality is a spectrum, and some individuals may experience a complete lack of sexual attraction, while others may experience some levels of sexual attraction or desire under specific circumstances.
Trying to figure out where you lie on the spectrum of sexuality can be a frustrating experience, especially when you are growing up. You may feel uncertain, afraid, or even overwhelmed when approaching the subject. While generally, asexuals don’t find other people sexually appealing and don’t feel like pursuing sexual relationships with others; asexuality could mean different to different people. Some might experience sexual attraction but only in limited circumstances, like when they are in a deep, meaningful relationship. Individuals with this orientation may also experience other forms of attraction like sensual, platonic, emotional, etc.
A Quick Definition
Asexual people often use the term “ace” or “aces” to refer to themselves. They usually have a low libido and minimal sexual desire. Sexual desire can be understood as the desire to have sex, whether for pleasure, conception, or personal connection. Libido, on the other hand, is commonly understood as the sex drive of an individual. A lack of these two things usually puts one on the asexual spectrum.
Based on these, some signs hint towards this orientation. Though it is to be noted that some may identify with all while others may have only a few signs. This is because everyone expresses their sexual orientation differently.
These signs indicate some of the key aspects of asexuality:
- The lack of sexual attraction: As already mentioned, aces have a low level of sexual attraction to others. Instead of this, they experience other forms of attraction. These may include romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, and emotional connection. However, some aces do experience sexual attraction. This may be after developing an intimate relationship with someone. In that case, they are known as demisexuals, which falls under the spectrum of asexuality.
- Aces could crave relationships without the sexual element too: An asexual person can engage in a romantic or platonic relationship without being sexually attracted to their partner. They could also like someone based on their looks without wanting to have sex with them.
- Some asexuals may only experience sexual attraction in certain circumstances: This sexual orientation has a broad spectrum. Demisexuals, who are part of this spectrum, may desire sexual attachment with people they have a deep relationship with. While generally, aces don’t have that physical desire, it is still possible for some of them to desire sex based on their different experience.
- Sex depends: Most asexuals don’t feel the need to have sex to satisfy themselves. However, some may want sex to conceive children, satisfy their partner, or feel physically close to them.
What is Grey Asexuality?
Grey asexuality can be tough to define. It describes the spectrum of identities between asexuality and typical sexuality (allosexuality).
Sexual and romantic identities aren’t discrete. There are many variations in people’s experiences that it’s impossible to define how someone feels and experiences attraction ideally. Grey asexuality is another way of saying “the ace spectrum.” Anyone who is within the ace spectrum could describe themselves as grey sexual. It is just a broader label to express that you feel sexual attraction less intensely or less frequently than a typical allosexual person.
Obviously, there is a tonne of variation in the experience of grey sexuality. An ace person who feels sexual attraction occasionally, weakly, or under specific circumstances is also defined as a grey asexual. For example, grey asexuals who date might value sex less as a factor of compatibility between them and their partners than an allosexual person would. However, they may be more likely to be sexually active in a relationship than an asexual person would because there are certain circumstances where they may feel sexual attraction.
In addition, grey asexuality differs from merely having a fluctuating sexual desire. In this, you cannot feel sexual attraction except in scarce and specific circumstances. People often use this label because it is extensive. They may feel more comfortable using it than a more specific one, especially if they don’t feel comfortable sharing their personal sexual feelings. Some other people don’t necessarily feel the need to define their orientation. At the end of the day, gender identity is the choice of an individual. It is often about what they feel comfortable identifying with.
What is Demisexuality?
Demisexuality comes under the umbrella term of asexuality. Demi means half or partly. Demisexual people do not experience primary sexual attraction. Instead, they experience sexual attraction only after forming an intimate relationship with their partner. Just like grey asexuals, they are also in between asexuals and allosexuals.
A demisexual person experiences secondary sexual attraction with the individual they have a close emotional bond. Though demisexuals have been there in the world for a long, the term was first coined in 2006 by a user on Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) forum.
What to Know About Ace Relationships
Having romantic feelings for someone is not the same as wanting sexual contact with them. These are two different things. Ace relationships can be based on romantic or emotional attraction rather than sexual interests. An asexual person can have a healthy relationship with people of any gender who isn’t asexual. But it needs honest communication, a strong emotional connection, and setting clear boundaries, just like any typical relationship.
Furthermore, the ace community includes people who have no interest in romantic relationships either. These individuals are labeled as aromantic people. They engage in nonromantic relationships. The aromantic and asexual communities describe these as queerplatonic relationships. These are very close and intimate relationships but involve no romance. Anyone can engage in queerplatonic relationships irrespective of their sexual or romantic orientation.
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Am I Asexual?
There is no hard and fast test to figure out your sexual identity. But you can introspect and ask yourself some questions to see if your characteristics align with that of an ace. These questions are:
- Am I sexually attracted to others?
- What does sexual attraction mean to me?
- Am I interested in sex just because I am expected to be?
- Is sex an important aspect for me in a relationship?
- If I find someone attractive, do I feel like having sexual contact with them?
- In what ways do I enjoy showing affection?
- Is my lack of sexual desire more or less permanent?
These questions are just there to give you an idea. They might not be a definite answer, but they give you something to think about. Figuring out your sexual identity is based on personal sexual experiences, which takes time.
Common Myths
Some common myths are:
Myth: Asexual people can’t have romantic relationships
Fact: Even though aces don’t generally experience a sense of physical attraction toward others, it doesn’t mean they can’t desire a romantic relationship. In fact, ace people could be romantically attracted to people of the same or multiple genders. They might want to build an intimate bond with someone without having any sexual element.
Myth: Aces don’t engage in sexual activities
Fact: Just because they don’t desire sex doesn’t mean they cannot engage in sexual activities. Each ace has a different approach toward sex. Some might be repulsed by it, while others might occasionally enjoy it. Some aces are indifferent towards it and might engage in physical activities just to satisfy their partner or for conception.
Myth: Once an ace is always an ace
Fact: Many consider their identity somewhat fluid. Someone could be a heterosexual but later realize they are bisexual, while some might identify themselves as asexual and later realize that they are not. Someone might experience no sexual attraction for weeks or months, but this might shift later. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the individual is wrong or confused. Gender identity can be fluid and change over a period of time.
Myth: Asexuality is a medical condition
Fact: There is nothing wrong with being asexual. Society makes it a norm to be physically attracted to others, which might give ace people the impression that something is wrong with them. Just because they are different doesn’t mean they are wrong. There are medical conditions that are usually associated with being asexual. These are:
- Loss of libido
- Sexual aversion
- Sexual repression
- Sexual dysfunction
- Fear of intimacy
Anyone can develop these conditions irrespective of sexual orientation. Some people also assume aces have sexual diseases like HIV, but that’s not the case. Anyone who indulges in unprotected sex can get HIV, irrespective of being physically attracted to others or not.
Myth: It means abstinence or celibacy
Fact: Celibacy refers to abstaining from sex or marriage for a long period of time. This lifelong commitment might be due to religious, personal, or cultural reasons. On the other hand, abstinence is temporarily deciding not to have sex. It might be due to a difficult period in one’s life or until one gets married. The difference between these two and asexuality is that these two represent choice, whereas being ace is not a matter of choice.
Aces might not abstain from sex all the time. Furthermore, people who abstain and celibates can be sexually attracted to others, unlike aces.
Myth: People who can’t find a partner are asexuals
Fact: There is a common misconception that asexuality is temporary until the individual finds the “right” person. Instead, it’s not a matter of finding the ideal partner. Many ace people desire a romantic partner and do actually engage in healthy romantic relationships.
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There are a lot of stigmas attached to nonconventional sexual identities. People who don’t conform to the conventions feel as if they are in the wrong. It can create a lot of anxiety and self-doubt and may even lead to depression.
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