What Does it Mean to Be Gaslit? Definition, Signs & Examples

“Honey, why do you treat me so unkindly in private and decently in public?”

“It’s all in your head. I can’t help it. You were always like this, untrusting and insecure; The problem lies in you. I am the same.”

Does that conversation ring a bell? Takes you back to the memories of an emotionally abusive ex, maybe? In that case, you are not alone! For all the times that “special” person you had trusted your heart and soul with broke your spirit a little every time they made you doubt your reality and slowly your sanity. Or for when you felt brushed aside or had your valid concerns dismissed, your sense of self took a hit, and gradually you became a shadow of your former confident and chirpy self.

If you have been at the receiving end of such behavior, we want to take a moment and reassure you that you aren’t going crazy! There is a very specific term for this kind of abuse, often played out by narcissists, called gaslighting.

Yes, they begin by laying out the foundation of trust, admiration, and even affection, and once they reel you in, the abuse starts creeping in—one seemingly innocuous remark, followed by another veiled hint at your supposed inability to be “satisfied or pleased.”, etc. They might even have you believing that you cannot survive without them.

But please, hang in there! You do not deserve to be treated this way, no one does, and remember, you always have a choice—a choice to leave such abusive relationships and begin afresh on your own two feet.

In the following text, we will discuss everything you need to know about this vicious cycle of gaslighting, how to spot it, break it, its long-term effects, and when to seek professional help. We have got it all covered for you here!

A Quick Definition

The term owes its roots to a 1938 play and 1944 film by the same name, “Gaslight,” wherein a husband deceives his wife into believing that she is crazy over the perceived dimming of gas lights downstairs, when in fact, he actually does dim the lights while he rummages through his wife’s jewelry collection. She ultimately begins to question her own memories, perceptions, and sanity.

Though quite prevalent in romantic relationships, it can also raise its ugly head in workplaces or familial relationships. People at the receiving end of such abusive relationships often appear anxious and confused and exhibit disbelief in their own abilities and thought processes while dismissing the integrity of their reality. Therefore, it is crucial to identify the problem at an early stage and to stop it from spreading its poisonous roots deep into the victim’s psyche.

Let’s see how the abuser exerts an apparent position of control on the victim’s mind and life.

How Does it Work?

Gaslighting creeps insidiously on an unsuspecting, often trusting, innocent person in a relationship with someone who completely lacks a sense of empathy and derives almost sadistic pleasure from their partner’s pain. It is centered around one partner’s need for control over another. The abuser begins by gaining the trust of the victim.

The initial “honeymoon period” is fairytale-like, with no abusive behavior. The abuser may shower you with love, affection, adoration, and respect. This way, they lay the groundwork of being the “perfect partner” with no one being able to suspect or vouch for their ulterior motives.

Gradually the hints, the veiled comments, and the taunts begin. They break down your spirit and literally enjoy watching you burn in the “fire” of self-doubt, constant anxiety, and slowly slipping into depression. The problem here is that they can make you feel inadequate and believe the lie that you won’t be able to survive without them and, therefore, cannot leave the relationship.

Since they must have been so lovely to you initially, you might wonder if something is wrong with you since they weren’t always like this. The balance of power begins to shift, and the victim feels the need for validation from the abuser, who often displays a marked and characteristic lack of empathy.

Phrases like, “Why are you always after me?”, “Why are you so maniacal?”, “There is something wrong with you and not with my friends.” become common and casually thrown around. The abuser goes about their life unscathed, and the victim is left in the dumps battling for breath.

Another telltale sign of such a manipulative partner is a distinct mismatch in how they behave with you publicly and privately. They will put on their best behavior in public and treat you well, and when the curtains drop, their ugly side manifests. Since everyone only sees their best behavior, they might not believe the victim’s cries for help, pushing the victim further into the abyss of self-doubt.

Thus, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that must be identified and nipped in the bud before it becomes a tumorous all-encompassing malice in the victim’s life.

Examples of Common Manipulation Tactics

The National Domestic Violence Hotline categorizes gaslighting into multiple kinds. Here are some common manipulation tactics you should be aware of:

• Countering: Instead of owning up to their shortcomings, they will choose to counter complaints by questioning the victim’s memory and. “shortcomings.” For instance, “Your memory ain’t the best, you know that! That’s not what happened. I never said that.” 
• Withholding: Another weapon of choice for the abuser is to pretend non-comprehension of the accusations levied by the victim. “Whatever you are saying doesn’t make sense. You don’t know what you are talking about.” “This should never happen again; this is a happy place.” 
• Trivializing: This is something that many readers might resonate with, a little too hard, maybe. The abuser makes you feel crazy for the way you are feeling in response to their atrocious behavior by calling you either too sensitive, too crazy, or too malicious. You end up feeling lost, hurt, and unsure of how you are “supposed” to feel and react. The downward spiral begins. 
• Blocking/Diverting: The abuser aims to deflect the accusations levied by the victim by either changing the subject or doubting the veracity of the victim’s thoughts. “What kind of ideas are your friends/family members giving you? Is that where you are coming from?” “Stop living in a fantasy world. All this is a figment of your imagination.”
• Denial/Forgetting: This is marked by a characteristic lack of accountability for their words or actions. This may manifest as pretending to forget the particular instance, blaming their actions on someone else, or completely denying their involvement.
• Stereotyping: The abuser may take digs at the victim’s nationality, economic background, gender, or race. For instance, “You were always a woman prone to bouts of melancholy; no one will believe you.”

Types of Relationships it Can Occur In

Though gaslighting can occur in any personal relationship, it is common in the following relationships.

• Intimate/Romantic Relationships: Since psychological abuse is all about exerting a sense of power and control, the abusive partner may use gaslighting techniques to make the other partner doubt their sanity and reality. For instance, they might question their partner’s ability to think rationally and logically, undermining their trust in their abilities. 
• Parent-child Relationships: A fairly common yet immensely harmful tactic employed by caregivers or parents to “control” children. It breaks the child’s brittle sense of self and sufficiency and instills fear, guilt, or shame in their impressionable minds. For instance, when a boy cries, he may be shushed by his parents, and his feelings dismissed as an overreaction or “too sensitive.” 
• Medical Gaslighting: Some doctors or psychiatrists may proceed to undermine a patient’s medical condition as a figment of their imagination and cause iatrogenic harm in addition to a sense of shame in the patient who may choose never to revisit a doctor. Not surprisingly, women’s ailments are dismissed by physicians as “emotional” manifestations, and they are more likely to be prescribed anti-anxiety medications in comparison with men. (As a literary reference, we would recommend a reading of The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman)  
• Racial Gaslighting: This happens when gaslighting techniques are applied to an entire race or members of a particular ethnicity. For instance, a protester or group of protesters rallying for change may be dismissed as “insane” or “crazy.”
• Institutional Gaslighting: When whistleblowers inform others about malpractices or policy breaches, they might be labeled as incompetent or irrational.

Also Read

What are the Signs of This Type of Abuse?

The signs of gaslighting are evident if you try to scratch beneath the surface. Suppose you feel uneasy in your own skin when around your partner or in the workplace, or if you find a colleague acting anxious when a superior incessantly picks on them. In that case, it is crucial to separate fact from fiction and take appropriate action.

• You always keep second-guessing yourself and your abilities.
• You feel drained of joy and purpose and feel like a shadow of your former self.
• You seem confused and unable to make decisions as you feel innately crazy.
• You keep apologizing to your partner and keep seeking validation from them.
• You keep giving your partner the benefit of the doubt when your friends and family question their behavior.
• You feel inadequate and wonder if you are a “good” partner. 
• You know something is off about the whole situation, but you cannot put your finger on it.
• You know in the depths of your heart that you weren’t this anxious and unsure person and were a lot more calm and relaxed.

If you have been nodding along to these telltale signs and symptoms, it’s time to reclaim your power, straighten that crown and get rid of toxic relationships.

How it Impacts Mental Health

Robert Stern, Ph.D., author of The Gaslight Effect, says, “Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that something is wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.”

Imagine this scenario, you are already struggling to stay afloat in a swimming pool, and instead of throwing you a float or giving you a hand to get you to the shallow end, the person you are the closest to tells you that it ain’t that deep, that you could come out if you wanted too! Sounds scary? Well, it is very much real.

Those young adults who were already struggling with identity issues and self-esteem issues may take a harder hit. Even if they come out of such toxic relationships, rarely do they escape unscathed. Troubled by PTSD and a profound inability to trust others, especially themselves, it can extinguish a part of their soul that died without knowing the power of authentic, genuine connections!

Why Do People Do It?

As mentioned earlier, the world abounds with “twisted” and “damaged” people who like to stay in a position of control. They rarely show remorse for their actions, making it more difficult for the victim to heal from the abuse or even identify it.

The sheer sadistic pleasure of exerting unbridled control over someone who trusted them with their heart and soul gives them the “kick” to keep breaking the person’s oil further until they feel unable to function as an independent unit.

Ways You Can Deal With It

It is essential to guard your mental health if you are being subjected to such a form of psychological abuse or know someone battling it. Here’s how one can stay safe!

• Keep records, maintain evidence, take photos, audio notes, anything and everything that you can refer to for fact-checking, and keep your sanity intact.
• Confide in someone trustworthy who might become a witness for you.
• Plan a safe exit from home or the toxic relationship, and create a list of safe places to go.

Should I Seek Professional Help?

If you are suffering from abuse and constantly feel cornered, unsafe, and trapped in an unhealthy relationship, it is important to know that help is available. Therapists can help you plan a safe exit while helping you manage self-esteem issues and depressive episodes.

Most importantly, remember to believe in that voice of sanity that reminds you of your version of your story exactly the way an incident played out.

Get Started With a Trusted Provider on DocVita Today

They say that the darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn, and help is always around the horizon. All you need to do is knock on the right doors. DocVita is India’s most trusted platform for mental health professionals who are empathetic, trained and qualified to help you regain your self-belief and lead a holistically happy and productive life.

If you need to confide in someone, who will believe you and help you meet a calmer and real version of yourself, please book a session with your preferred therapist today. See you on the other side, all happy and healed! Much love!