Cheating is one of the most painful marital problems as it undermines the foundation of the wedding itself. For some, infidelity is the nail in the coffin of their holy matrimony, but others manage to save it. If both partners are committed to saving the relationship, they can survive this avalanche.
Here are some tips to save your holy alliance.
What Constitutes Infidelity?
Asking what actions constitute cheating is like asking what kind of ice cream is the best. It depends on the person.
Infidelity is subjective. Everyone has their definition of it. Even the people in a relationship could have different understandings or criteria. While most think a sexual encounter between two people constitutes cheating, some consider emotional connection infidelity too.
That’s not it. From having an online relationship, having virtual sex through texts or video calls, and flirting to watching porn, all may or may not be considered as being unfaithful. It depends on what the people in the relationship define it as. So it would help if you asked your partner about what they consider unfaithfulness, so both of you are on the same page.
Common Reasons It Happens
The most common reason someone cheats is because of a certain disconnect within the relationship. You know that feeling when you are just not clicking with each other? It is common, but it usually fades away after you spend some time together. But, this feeling may linger for a long time in troubled matrimony.
Several types of disconnection could lead to cheating. However, infidelity is often a result of emotional disconnection—a state in which a person is unable to engage with the feelings of others fully.
You may have cheated because your emotions were not validated or met. We all have all of our emotional baggage. We are all needy! Some people demand a stronger emotional connection, while others may function on a lower level. When your emotional bucket is empty, you may feel undesired and unloved by your mate. These emotions can drive a person to seek validation from others.
Sadly, this has been becoming more and more common these days. People are so busy cultivating their virtual presence and with work that they forget to cherish the love they have in real life.
Usually, people engage in extramarital affairs for different reasons. For some people, physical intimacy is quite essential. They show their affection through sex. If they are not sexually pleased or their counterpart frequently rejects sex, they may take the rejection personally. They may feel unattractive or incapable of meeting their partner’s sexual desires. These thoughts can cook up insecurities in their minds, leading them to cheat.
On the other hand, some people might look for more of an emotional connection. In their case, they may be trying to fill an emotional void. It is in their blood to be desired and cherished. But when partners are emotionally disconnected, that void stays empty. Consequently, they feel unappreciated and ignored, which can lead them to cheat.
Here are some other factors or reasons which can motivate you to cheat:
- Unhappiness/Dissatisfaction: Dissatisfaction in a relationship is typical. It could be emotional, as explained above. Or, it could be sexual dissatisfaction. Maybe, you two are out of rhythm and could not learn to please each other or were so busy with life that you forgot about the work in the bedroom. Successful matrimony requires a lot of effort from both partners, and couples may drift away without mutual fostering. Both men and women frequently cite sexless wedlock as a reason they cheated.
- Feeling unappreciated: An affair might result from feeling unappreciated or mistreated. When both partners work, women frequently shoulder the majority of housework and childcare. In this situation, if the man does not appreciate her efforts or disrespects her, the affair can support the individual’s feeling of self-worth.
- Lack of commitment: People less committed to their relationship are more likely to cheat. When there is a lack of commitment between one or both partners, they will eventually drift apart. If you are not in an open relationship, a lack of commitment simply means a lack of interest.
- Boredom: It’s not uncommon for people to be bored in a relationship. According to a survey done by Gleeson, 77% of Indian women cheat because of boredom in their marriage. As you get to know each other over the years, the relationship might feel boring. But with proper communication and more effort, you can solve these issues.
- Seeking revenge: Some people cheat to get revenge on their partners for anything they did to them. To illustrate, maybe you feel angry because they betrayed or cheated on you. Victims of sexual betrayal frequently seek vengeance through adultery.
- Sexual desire: Sleeping with someone else can allow you to satisfy sexual cravings that were not being met with your spouse. You and your partner can discuss your sexual needs openly, especially in a safe place where you’re both comfortable talking, such as counseling. However, your partner may not be able to fulfill all of your wants. If you wish to engage in sexual actions that your partner does not approve of, you must respect their boundaries.
- Personality traits: Some people with specific personality qualities are more prone to cheat on their partners. People with impulsive behavior or an insecure attachment style are prone to cheat.
While there can be multiple reasons for cheating, nothing justifies the action. It is not your fault if your partner cheated on you. Even if you did something that could have motivated them to take such action, it was their decision.
1. Take Time to Make Decisions
If you have found out about your partner’s actions, it’s normal to be angry. But remember that you should not make any decisions while you are raging. Such intense emotion can cause you to take steps, such as ending the wedlock right away, which is not wise. Similarly, do not try to take revenge by cheating. That is just going to worsen the situation. Take some time to calm down and understand what is happening.
If you have cheated on your partner, you should reflect on how you feel and process your emotions. Think:
- Do you feel ungrateful about the incident?
- Do you feel ungrateful about unfaithfulness?
- Do you feel ready to be held accountable for your actions?
- Do you want to invest time to heal the matrimony?
- Will you do this again?
If you feel you might hurt yourself or others, seek professional help immediately.
2. Own Up to Your Mistakes
If you were unfaithful, take full responsibility for your actions. It is not the time to make excuses or blame others. Despite the state of your matrimony, It was yours and only your decision to cheat.
The next step is to end the affair and stop all interactions with that person. If it is a coworker and you cannot avoid them, limit your conversation to only work-related topics. Tell your partner the truth about what happened, how long it has been happening, and if you are still seeing the other person.
CAUTION! Do not rush into intimate details. Minimizing the situation and omitting details and providing graphic information will do more harm. Complete disclosure should be done appropriately, guided by the marriage counselor.
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3. Talk to Loved Ones
In such situations, being overwhelmed with emotions is normal. Sharing your hurt with someone can take some burden off you. But make sure you disclose the affair to a few who are trusted and non-judgemental. The goal is to locate people who can walk with you through the healing process of recovering from an affair while remaining objective and providing you with any assistance you require.
However, declaring about the affair to all your network can backfire on you. The more people know about it, the more people will have a biased opinion just to protect you.
In some cases, even if both partners decide to work on their wedlock, their family and friends will always hold a grudge against the unfaithful one. This intense grudge can put more pressure on an already vulnerable relationship.
4. Seek a Marriage Counsellor
Infidelity is one of the most critical injuries matrimonies can face. You need emergency treatment. Finding a counselor to help you both move forward in life is highly recommended.
A trained and expert counselor can help put the affair into perspective, identify core issues that caused it, learn how to rebuild trust and strength, and avoid divorce if you want to.
5. Be Totally Honest and Transparent
Do you know why cheating is so hard on relationships and usually destroys them? Because you have broken your partner’s trust. That’s why if you were the unfaithful spouse, from now on, be honest about the affair. You must answer every question your partner asks about infidelity and cannot withhold any information.
This transparency and honesty will need to continue as long as it takes to restore trust. This is the key to mending the bonds of your relationship. Trust will never be restored if you keep hiding things or lying to your partner.
How to Move Forward
To move forward in your life, both of you need to decide on two things:
- Do you want to save your marriage?
It may take some time to sort out what happened and to decide if you want to save the wedlock or not. Express your desire to each other if and when you both agree that you want to repair your marriage. If you agree on the objective of reconciliation, it is crucial to understand that it will take time, energy, and a lot of effort to restore trust.
But if one of you decides not to continue with it, respect their decision and move on. - Do they care? You have been brutally hurt, and your partner must feel bad for hurting you. A sufficient level of remorse is expected. So, if you’re the unfaithful partner, you owe it to yourself to feel deeply guilty. It can’t be something that comes out as nonchalant; it should be clear that you regret and are sorry for your action. If your partner has cheated on you and you don’t feel remorse towards them, you should talk about that first in your couple counseling sessions.
If both of you wish to save your matrimony, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Understand what needs to be changed: If your partner has cheated on you, you are in no way responsible for this. That is clear. But affairs happen for a reason. And if you do not find the reason, you will likely get hurt again.
Your previous arrangements were not working, and that’s why one of you cheated. You both need to accept that. Now, you are trying to start a new relationship where you both can recommit and leave behind the unfeasible marriage. You need to learn new skills and ways of communicating, so both of you can express your feelings and desire better. Plus, you both need to unlearn some things which bother your partner. - What caused this to occur? What happened that caused the breakdown? What was it about the relationship that eventually led your partner to cheat?
Having such knowledge will be critical to healing from this damage. The only way to repair trust is to understand exactly what happened so that a different decision can be taken if a similar circumstance arises in the future. - Remove temptations to re-engage the affair: If the affair is over, taking tangible actions to cut contact with the person and establish boundaries is critical to your partner’s healing. Stop all private meetings, phone calls, messages, and social media interactions with the other person.
- Be transparent with your spouse about any chance meetings or attempts by the other person to contact you—before your spouse discovers it on their own.
- Be an open book: Allow your spouse complete access to your phone records, texts, emails, and social media accounts. Some earlier texts or emails may have been graphic and should be avoided. But, from now on, resolve to no more concealment or deception. For your partner, your life must be an open book. Because you have betrayed your partner’s confidence, go to great measures to inform them of where you are, who you are with, when your plans change, and if you will be late.
Get Help From a Trusted Therapist With DocVita Today
If you and your partner are both devoted to mending your matrimony, you may develop a new relationship that continues to grow and likely exceeds your earlier expectations. But it might not be easy to know what to do or where to begin after an affair.
A therapist can assist you in determining what underlying unmet needs are in your relationship. Marriage counseling can frequently assist you in your quest for understanding, compassion, and a greater ability to problem-solve and progress. At DocVita, we can connect you with various experts. All you need to do is visit our website and make an appointment today.